How Our Words Affect Our Children
Friend, is your speech seasoned with grace when speaking to your child? Is your manner as generous with them as it is with strangers? Have you thought about how your words (and tone of voice) are mirrored back to you by your children?
When I struggled in this area, God blessed me (even though I wasn't so sure it was a blessing at the time) by giving me a life-changing revelation that I would like to share with you as He shared it with me.
I know this is a subject we don't want to take out of the box and examine but my thinking is that we can't do better if we refuse to admit our current ways aren't working.
A SINNER SAVED BY GRACE
When my oldest was little, I wanted so badly to be a good momma. Not knowing where else to turn, I raised him based on advice from afternoon TV talk shows. I was a sinner using sarcasm like a weapon, easily frustrated, cussed like a sailor, and had no clue the power of the spoken word.
I craved a home that was calm and peaceful but I had no idea how that could happen; I was a great parent with a bad child (or so I thought).
After giving my life to Christ (shortly after my middle child was born), the Holy Spirit began to transform my thinking through His Word.
Unfortunately, I still believed "God helps those who help themselves". In my wisdom, I tried combining the Bible with what I had learned through the self-help talk shows. And it worked….for about 30 minutes before one of my boys would do normal little boy things and I would slide back into my old habits.
I can only imagine God shaking his head in wonder as he watched me try to apply self-help to his ways.
THE FRUIT DIDN’T FALL FAR
In His mercy the Holy Spirit removed the veil from my eyes and allowed me to see a few things clearly:
My children would learn who God was and how to interact with him through their relationship with me.
I set the tone for my home so the changes had to start with me.
I had been arrogantly trying to deal with all this without God's help (James 3:8). No wonder I kept slipping back into my old ways!
God is so good to us, even when we don't deserve it, isn't he? He soothed my ruffled feathers and gave me hope for our future with the following promise:
"If any of you is lacking in wisdom, ask God who gives to all generously and ungrudgingly, and it will be given you. But ask in faith, never doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind."
(James 1:5-6)
I stood on this promise when we had rough days during this retraining from the world's ways to God's ways. Believing God was willing to show me how to use my words to build up and edify my family, I set aside time each day to learn and then teach my boys God's heavenly principles for communicating.
WHAT I LEARNED
LESSON #1: SOWING & REAPING
The principle of sowing and reaping was not something I was familiar with. After a great deal of study, I discovered it is in effect in both the spiritual and physical world and applies to cause and effect (ramifications of our words and actions).
How This Applies To Our Parenting
With my words I was sowing (planting seeds) that were bruising instead of building up (such as blaming my boys for things that were not their fault just because I was having a bad day). The harvest I received was anger, resentment, rebellion, impatience, and sassiness.
"Do not be deceived; God is not mocked, for you reap whatever you sow. If you sow to your own flesh, you will reap corruption from the flesh; but if you sow to the Spirit, you will reap eternal life from the Spirit.
So let us not grow weary in doing what is right, for we will reap at harvest time if we do not give up. So then, whenever we have an opportunity, let us work for the good of all, and especially for those of the family of faith." (Galatians 6:7-10)
LESSON #2: WORDS MATTER
Somehow I had it in my head that kids were resilient so our words weren't important. Even if I said something hurtful within moments my child would forget it move on. Boy was I wrong!
Thank goodness the Holy Spirit led me to a passage that was just as life-changing to our little family as the previous verse. Stick with me. This one is long but so powerful!
"You must understand this, my beloved: let everyone be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger; for your anger does not produce God's righteousness.
Therefore, rid yourselves of all sordidness and rank growth of wickedness, and welcome with meekness the implanted word that has the power to save your souls.
But be doers of the word and not merely hearers who deceive themselves. For if any are hearers of the word and not doers, they are like those who look at themselves in a mirror; for they look at themselves and, on going away, immediately forget what they were like.
But those who look into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and persevere, being not hearers who forget but doers who act -- they will be blessed in their doing.
If any think they are religious, and do not bridle their tongues but deceive their hearts, their religion is worthless."
(James 1:19-26)
I won’t kid you, that verse was a doozy for me! But I didn’t want to stay the way I was so I accepted and welcomed God's wisdom in this area. It helped to know that when I responded in anger and outrage at the slightest misstep, so did my boys.
But to intentionally slow down instead of flying off the handle? To think before speaking? That was a long, hard row to hoe.
"But with God, nothing shall be impossible."
(Luke 1:37)
The Holy Spirit gently reminded me that if I wanted better (God's way) for my family, I had to stop making excuses and stop being double-minded about raising my children His way.
QUICK TO LISTEN
During this process, the Holy Spirit would prod me with checks in my spirit.
Was I listening to my kids? Really listening?
My boys were pretty smart and they knew when I was only humoring them by listening with half an ear. Without realizing it, I was making them feel like a bother instead of a blessing in my life. If I wanted them to listen to me, wasn't it only fair that I took the time to listen to them?
Was I teaching them that they weren’t worthy of God's attention or that they were an inconvenience to Him?
SLOW TO SPEAK
Was I teaching or hollering orders without instruction and guidance?
God never expects something from us the He has not trained and guided us to do. Why would I expect less of my littles? When I didn't walk along beside them until they could do on their own, I was setting them up for failure which led to discouragement and frustration.
When they made mistakes were my words gracious and kind or harsh and critical?
Naturally, I expected God to forgive me when I messed up. Why did I always feel justified in being so critical? Kids will listen to how we say something over what we actually say. If we say the right words but our inflection is nasty or mean-spirited, they will never believe our actual words.
What if God talked to me that way?
Was I practicing a pause before answering them so that I could collect my thoughts and maybe even say a quick prayer for patience?
When we don't truly listen we can jump to conclusions and our emotions escalate pretty quickly. Like falling dominos, our words tumble out and we say things we later regret.
One thing I have noticed while reading the letters in red; Jesus wasn't an excessive talker and he chose his words carefully. He didn't praise just to make someone feel warm and fuzzy or to get them to shut up for 10 minutes. Nor did Jesus share issues that were too mature for those listening. Again, Jesus was careful with his words.
It makes sense when you read in Ecclesiastes that a fool can be recognized by his many words (v5:3). Maybe that verse is true because we are so busy talking our brains can't catch up allowing us to choose our words wisely.
Speaking of wise words, around this time I "discovered" the Proverbs 31 woman. The Bible says she "opens her mouth with wisdom and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue" (v26). As much as I wanted to claim to be a Proverbs 31 woman (I mean, who doesn't, right?), I had a long way to go.
SLOW TO GET ANGRY
Was I letting my frustration get the better of me and disciplining my boys too quickly instead of praying for wisdom first?
Were my angry reactions becoming less common as I practiced listening and pausing before speaking?
What if God disciplined me the way I wanted to discipline my children when they messed up?
I had to keep in mind God's principle of sowing and reaping…no matter how upset or angry I got, my sowing into ungodly anger did not make things right in God's eyes. Their wrong didn't justify my wrong.
Take note that the above verse doesn't say that we shouldn't get angry. God created us with emotions. He isn't offended when we express them. However, there is a fine line we should not cross, even if we feel our anger is justified.
When little one carved his initials in the new dining room table, I was "allowed" to get angry. I wasn't allowed to hold it against him forever or discipline him the way my flesh wanted to. By the way, we still have that table to this day and now we look at those carvings with fondness and laugh about it.
"Be angry and sin not; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil."
(Ephesians 4:26-27)
LESSON #3: FILLING MY CUP
As I continued to study the above verses from James, I saw the next key to making godly changes in myself, my children, and my home. This key was right at my fingertips….consistently staying my Bible. It seems like a no-brainer now but back then I honestly didn't realize how life-transforming the Bible is!
I had to humbly and regularly put God's Word into my soul, digging deep instead of speed reading, because only God's words have the power to save and transform. My angry words, lectures, or punishment wouldn't have lasting effects without the foundation of God's Words. And frankly, I was exhausted! I wasn't willing to continue doing something that wasn't going to last more than 10 minutes.
That is why praying Scripture is so powerful! When we fill ourselves up with God's words, Christ-likeness will naturally flow back out so we can pour into our children with godly fruits instead of unholy, hurtful words that we will have to answer to God for one day.
LESSON #4: ACTIONS AND WORDS MATCH?
As the transformational process continued, I had to intentionally make my actions match my words. If I told my boys not to steal, I had to make sure I wasn't helping myself to work office supplies. If I wanted them to be patient with each other, I had to use self-control while driving and not give in to road rage. If I told them to pick up after themselves, I had to do the same.
They were watching, listening, and absorbing. Just as a reminder from the verses above, God says it this way:
“But be doers of the word and not merely hearers who deceive themselves. For if any are hearers of the word and not doers, they are like those who look at themselves in a mirror; for they look at themselves and, on going away, immediately forget what they were like.” (James 1:22-24)
It's so easy to deceive ourselves and become hypocrites. We are so quick to justify our sin while holding everyone else to a higher standard, especially our family. But to God sin is sin regardless of who is doing it or why they are doing it.
FINAL THOUGHTS
To review, God used life-changing Scripture to teach me the power of my words, especially concerning my children. He showed me:
I would reap the sinful or godly seeds that I chose to sow into my children.
I had to learn to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to be angry.
I had to regularly read and study the Bible so I could pour out godly fruits upon my boys.
I had to intentionally slow down with a heart check to determine if my words and actions matched or needed adjusting.
Our kids will hear thousands upon thousands of voices speaking into their lives telling them what they can't do, what they aren't good at, what they need to remember (or forget). Most of the words they hear will be quickly forgotten. But as their parent, your voice will remain in their head forever.
It is not my desire to point out bad parenting and only focus on the negative. We all have failures, even with parenting, because we all sin (1 John 1:8).
Our hope for a better future rests with our Redeemer (Jesus Christ), our teacher (the Holy Spirit), and Father God, who is able to do more than all we ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20).