Why Being a People-Pleaser Didn't Make Me A Better Christian
THE PEOPLE PLEASING TRAP
I have a confession to make. I am a recovering people-pleaser.
And that was hard for me to admit because I know some of you will think negatively of me. I have been a people pleaser my whole life. If I thought someone didn’t like me or was disappointed in me, I was crushed.
As you can imagine, this crazy rule-following, people-pleasing attitude followed my Christian walk for years. Ever so subtly I developed a “code of conduct” to be a good Christian woman. These standards had to be followed and perfected so that I could feel approved of and accepted by others. Of course, it didn’t work that way but it took me years of study and the healing at the hand of God before I could see these standards for the legalism that they were.
MY CHRISTIAN CODE-OF-CONDUCT STANDARDS
MY BIBLE
I had to have a Bible. But not just any Bible. I had to have the "correct" Bible with passages heavily marked up to prove I read my Bible all the time.
CHURCH
We had to be there every time the doors were open. I did not want to miss a single blessing God had for us. It did not matter what else was going on in our lives, I had to be in church!
MY APPEARANCE
We were told God deserves our best. The unspoken message was that our best had to be up to certain standards. Right from the pulpit, we heard that we must show the world we are the sons and daughters of our King by dressing so that those observing us would realize what a blessed Christian we were (and by extension, our church was holy and prosperous).
MEMORIZE SCRIPTURE
Not just memorizing it but pulling it out at a moment’s notice. The fastest recall wins, right? Knowing something was in the Bible was not good enough. I had to know exactly where it was and the exact words. No paraphrasing was allowed. Then I had to know who in the Bible said it and why. I had to sprinkle my conversations with scripture so that others would know that I was a "real" and devote Christian.
VOLUNTEER
Volunteering for every social service and church function I could find every week was a must. I wanted God to use me. He couldn't do much through me if I just stayed home with my littles. Even though I would strive to bless my family, no one outside of our doors could see it so it didn’t count.
If I didn't bless someone every day I just knew I failed God and my church.
DISTANCE MYSELF FROM WORLDLY INFLUENCE
Keeping my distance from the unsaved and surrounding myself with Christianity. I was careful to only watch Christian TV and listen to Christian music. I hung out with my church friends and set aside my non-church friends.
MY WORDS
I talked to anyone I ran into about Jesus whether they wanted to hear about him or not. I had to talk the talk and walk the walk. Words like gosh, god (unless praying), OMG, luck, suck, and many other words were banned from my speech.
IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE!
I thought I was doing everything right but I was really driving myself, and everyone around me, crazy. As you can see, everything I was worried about focused on the outward man. Because I constantly failed, my self-confidence suffered. But even worse, I was convinced God wouldn’t really want me as part of his family because I couldn’t measure up.
Burnout and resentment made me pull away from my sisters in Christ. I figured if I couldn’t please them, I just wouldn’t put myself in a position where they could judge me.
GOD’S TRUTHS THAT SET ME FREE
Eventually, I became fed up with trying to please everyone. Instead of praying, "God, help me and show me what I am doing wrong" I began to pray that God would show everyone else how mean and unrealistic they were. That He would convict them and even smite them.
Do you know what He did instead? He said the problem wasn’t them, it was me.
Say what?? God, you can’t be serious!
But He was.
With the Holy Spirit’s help, I began to question every one of my standards: were they of God or Melissa? Were they of benefit to others or myself or both? What did God really say about each standard?
The two biggest takeaways I learned during this time were life lessons I have to constantly remind myself of even today.
We should strive to please God, not people. God’s standards do not change but people change as popular opinion changes. God’s standards are high but totally attainable because we have the blessed Holy Spirit living inside of us teaching, ministering to us, and encouraging us.
We will always disappoint someone with every decision we make. Nobody is perfect and other people have just as unrealistic, unbiblical expectations as I had. I had to learn to research each of the above standards to find out how God felt about them and then act accordingly. It didn’t matter what others expected of me (real or imagined).
If I was in God’s will, I had to be okay with knowing I would disappoint someone along the way. I couldn’t worry overmuch about that anymore.
FINAL THOUGHTS
I wish that I could say that my people-pleasing/perfect Christian tendencies disappeared overnight but that isn’t even slightly true. It took months of diligent study and giving it to God time after time (because I failed time after time and had to run back to my Father).
To be clear, it wasn't God that changed. It was me, my attitudes and beliefs. The way I thought of myself and others. I had thought we made God happy by making his people happy. While that is true to a point, I had taken things to the extreme (legalism).
Being a people pleaser didn’t help me be a better Christian. I actually think it hindered my relationship with Christ because my focus was in the wrong place. I know for a fact that it hindered my relationship with others.
“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man I would not be a servant of Christ.”
(Galatians 1:10)
At one time or another, we all attempt to please others more than we worry about pleasing God. An occasional thing isn’t an issue but if we aren’t careful, we can fall into the trap of wanting to be accepted so badly that we stop trying to grow spiritually and only focus on how we look to others (the outside of our cup). God doesn’t want that for us.
YOUR TURN
In what ways have you caught yourself getting caught up in pleasing God through pleasing your fellow Christians? Did your process turn into legalism as mine did? Comment below or send me an email. I would love to hear your story! If you are struggling with this issue right now, let me know. I would be honored to pray for you!