Qualities To Look For In A Christian Friend
SPIRIT-FILLED FRIENDS
God is very into relationships and friends are one of his many gifts to us. We all want a real friend who gets us, will make us laugh, and stand by us. We long for someone we can count on and do life's ups and downs with. We desire a friend who won't hesitate to speak God's truth over our lives and love us in spite of our many flaws. Someone we can be real with.
TRUST IN THE LORD
God wants those things for us too. God cares who you hang out with. He wants you to have good, solid, Christian friends. Just as God cautions us to stay away from certain behaviors and activities, we, in turn, did the same for our children when they were younger. We were careful who they hung out with because we knew the influence friends had in our children’s lives. We tried to help and guide them so they didn't get caught up with the "wrong" friends and be encouraged to go the wrong way.
As adults, we tend to be friends with anyone who seems to want to be our friend. We excuse, remain silent, and overlook some things that we would have cautioned our kids to steer away from. So why do we trust God in other areas of our life but think we have to do friendships on our own terms?
“Trust in the Lord will all your heart. Do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths.
(Proverbs 3:5-6)
Trusting oneself is foolish, but those who walk in wisdom are safe.”
(Proverbs 28:26)
If we want to reap God's blessings of good Christian friends, we need to see what God says to look for (pray for!) in a friend.
Where do we find this wisdom?
In the Bible. Always. God has so much to say about our relationships, but for my study, I decided to challenge myself to see what one book of the Bible had to say on the subject. I chose the book of Proverbs.
For Additional Reading: Why we need to study the Bible.
WHAT MAKES A CHRISTIAN FRIENDSHIP DIFFERENT?
My search began with trying to discover what makes a good Christian and what a real friend is before I could start praying for a good Christian friend. In my head the two were synonymous but in reality, they aren't. I wanted to see how much of the world's views on friendship was influencing me and where God's ways were different.
So what makes a good Christian? Someone who seeks God with their heart and soul and strives to please him in all they do. What is a fool? Someone who repeatedly rejects God and his ways then runs to God when they run into trouble and need to be rescued (but still won't allow him to be Lord of their life).
I knew I didn't want to be friends with a fool. I'd had enough of that in the past (being the fool and befriending fools).
I use to think a friend was someone that I interacted with regularly and had a few things in common with. It took me a while before I realized how shallow that was. I wasn't there for them, they weren't there for me. We didn't share the same values, goals, or hobbies. We actually had very little in common.
As I dove into this study, I realized what I had in the past was actually acquaintances, not real friends.
How sad!
QUALITIES OF A CHRISTIAN FRIEND TO PRAY ABOUT
SOMEONE WHO IS SPIRITUALLY WISE
“Whoever walks with the wise will become wise; whoever walks with fools will suffer harm.”
(Proverbs 13:20)
We all want to be wise and not foolish. We certainly don't want to suffer harm. But are we careful who we associate with? God's ways seem foolish to the wicked (unsaved). Who are you getting your advice from? If your confidant/friend is not saved, they will give you advice that will surely cause you to suffer harm in one form or another.
Who do you choose to enjoy day-to-day activities with? If they are not saved, are you joining them in dipping your toes into things you know you should leave alone?
“The godly give good advice to their friends, the wicked lead them astray.”
(Proverbs 12:26)
SOMEONE WITH A DESIRE TO BE YOUR FRIEND
Have you ever met someone that you clicked with but they just didn't seem to have time for you? They only seemed to want to be your friend when it was convenient for them. If a situation came up that you needed them, you would be out of luck because they couldn't be bothered.
Yet when they are available, they expect you to drop everything for them. Does that sound like someone who really wants to be your friend?
It's hard to be real friends with someone who never has time to talk or get together. Everyone is busy and if your friendship is based on when that person decides to fit you in, it might not be the right time for that friendship. You need to be understanding but don't push. Both parties have to be willing to nurture the friendship with time and attention for it to grow.
If it is one-sided in any way, but it's worth fighting for, talk to your friend and share your concerns. Their response will help you decide where the friendship is (or isn't) going.
SOMEONE OF A LIKE-MIND
When you are of a like-mind, you have similar ideas, tastes, thoughts, and opinions. Just because you both call yourselves Christians doesn't mean you have a like-mind. That was a hard concept for me.
Friends need to share a common bond that the friendship can build on. That doesn't mean you and your friend must agree on everything or be carbon copies of each other.
Deep, thought-provoking conversations and looking at the other person's point of view can actually strengthen your friendship and help you grow in Christ. You can maturely disagree and even debate your opinion without hurting your friendship if you put your friendship ahead of being right.
“As iron sharpens iron, a friend sharpens a friend.” (Proverbs 27:17)
Have you ever tried to have a conversation with someone who has opposing views on everything you hold dear? I had a work friend like that. We got along great at work but outside of work we had so little in common, it was more frustrating than rewarding. The friendship died a natural death when we went to new jobs.
SOMEONE WHO IS LOYAL
When someone is loyal to you, they are consistently supportive of you. You know they have your back and will get the same in return. They aren't two-faced and won't gossip or share your confidence with others. You can share your thoughts and feelings and expect to be accepted and loved regardless. You know that they will cry when you cry and be happy for you when blessings come your way even if their life isn't going so great at the moment.
“A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need.”
(Proverbs 17:17)Many will say they are loyal friends, but who can find one who is really faithful” (Proverbs 20:6)
SOMEONE WHO IS TRUSTWORTHY
You can have complete confidence in your friend and trust that they will do as they say and won't judge you for being yourself. You can be open and honest with them and trust that it will go no further. They can be counted on to give you good, godly advice even when it's not what you want to hear.
“A troublemaker plants seeds of strife; gossip separates the best of friends.”
(Proverbs 16:28-29)There are friends who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother.”
(Proverbs18:24)
Think about that for a minute. A brother (or sister) is in your life for a very long time. They know things about you that others don't have a clue about. They are with you through life's ups and downs. They are with you on holidays, doing the everyday mundane, enjoying the exciting together, and learning life as you both grow. Isn't this what we want in a Christian sister?
SOMEONE WHO IS DEPENDABLE
We trust them because they have shown us they can be counted on. You can trust that if you had a really, really bad week that they would not hesitate to offer to bring your family dinner that night. And they wouldn't forget and leave you with a cranky spouse, crying kids, and peanut butter and jelly on stale bread. They mean what they say and say what they mean.
You do things to bless each other and expect nothing in return. You can count on them to build you up and help you be stronger. Real Christian friends pray for and with each other. You can also depend on them to be honest with you when others might take the easy way out.
“Wounds from a friend are better than many kisses from an enemy.”
(Proverbs 27:6)
SOMEONE WHO SHARES ACCOUNTABILITY
No one wants you to be their momma but a real friend will care, show concern, and hold you accountable. If you cross a line of some kind, your friend will be close enough to not only recognize what is happening but will not hesitate to speak the truth, grab you by the hand, and drag you back on solid ground all while storming the gates of hell on your behalf.
“The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense.”
(Proverbs 27:9)
They desire to see you grow in your walk with Christ and they are willing to do what they can to help you get there. If they notice you have stopped reading your Bible or have been speaking lots of negatives over your life, they hold you accountable and ask the hard questions.
SOMEONE WHO IS WILLING TO FORGIVE
This is critical. They will hurt you and you will hurt them. It happens, usually without ill-intent. You are both growing in Christ but will still mess up. But don't share your hurt or disappointment with your friend with others. Both sides need to remember that if you want forgiveness, be willing to give it. Then pray together about the issue separately and together then let it go.
“Disregarding another person's faults preserves love; telling about them separates close friends.”
(Proverbs 17:9)
SOMEONE YOU CAN LAUGH AND BE LIGHT-HEARTED WITH
God has a great sense of humor and doesn't intend for us to be serious all the time. If you can't be yourself, relax, and laugh with your friend, there is an issue that needs to be prayed about. Some people are so serious and joyless they suck the life right out of you. Jesus wasn't like that.
“A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person's strength.”
(Proverbs 17:22)
FINAL THOUGHTS
Good friendships with a spirit-filled Christian sister will not just happen. It takes effort and intentionality. When we first meet someone, we can begin to look at their life and ask questions to determine if we have anything in common. This process takes time but the reward of a new, good, godly friendship is so worth the effort!
YOUR TURN
Which of the above qualities do you consider the most important in a new friend?